I Just Want to Be Better

*** Written last night -- April 3rd, 2016 -- the night before today -- SUBTOTAL COLECTOMY DAY!

No positive pants on here tonight.

I started drinking my colon clean-out prep a few hours ago. I carefully selected orange Gatorade to mix the solution with when I was in Target the other day because it's a flavor I haven't yet gotten sick of (after 3 colon clean-outs in the past 6ish months). Anyway, I started drinking it and had just given myself a pat on the back for finishing the third glass when a full-force feeling of nausea came over me. Immediately, I ran to the bathroom and threw most (if not all) of the solution right back up.

I flushed the toilet, peeled myself from the bathroom floor, and cleaned myself up. I dizzily limped back to my sisters bedroom floor where I've set up camp for the weekend and threw myself onto my small mattress. I whispered one word as teardrops made their way down my cheeks..."why?"

I texted my mom almost immediately and told her to come downstairs when she was done eating/cleaning up supper with the rest of my family. A few minutes later, I heard her making her way down the steps and almost instantly those stray tears turned to unrelenting sobs. As she entered the room, my mom asked, "Kenzie, what's wrong?" Before I could even gather my thoughts and form a response, the words came sputtering out of my mouth. I replied, "I just want to be better." 

I am desperate to be better.

I can't stand another uncomfortable conversation about the chronic constipation I deal with or drinking another glass full of water + Miralax. I can't stand one more night of puking my guts out on the bathroom floor and screaming out in pain as my unruly colon attacks itself. I can't stand enemas, suppositories, laxatives, stool softeners, one more sip of magnesium citrate, or any other over-the-counter solution that "should work for me." I cannot stand it. I just want to be better.

And thankfully, I will be. I'm choosing to believe that. To hold onto hope and positivity even though those things feel so far from the truth tonight.

How wonderful it is to have surgery scheduled just 12 hours after I hit my breaking point. How wonderful it is that I have a brilliant surgeon on my side who is more than ready to get me better. How wonderful it is that my close family/friends dropped everything they were doing to pray for me the minute they heard I threw up the solution I'd worked so hard to get down. How wonderful it is that we have a Savior and a Heavenly home awaiting us...one where there will be no tears, no pain, and ABSOLUTELY no colon-clean out solution.

Thank You, Lord, for having Your holy hand in scheduling my subtotal colectomy tomorrow. Thank You, Lord, for knowing my limits and numbering my days before I can predict them myself. Thank You, Lord...because I am so close to having life as I know it tonight be so freaking far away.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Lord...for making me better.