Yesterday, I was sitting in my economics class when I randomly decided to check my e-mail. There in my inbox was an unread message from the Regional Juvenile Arthritis Manager for the Upper Midwest Region of the Arthritis Foundation. I clicked to open it nonchalantly when I read...

Last Thursday, I was celebrating like some lunatic hopped up on sugar - so excited because EASTER. BREAK. Thursday was my Friday and that gave me a real hard time focusing on anything other than the chocolate I would be consuming, the Netflix I was gonna be watching, and the awesome Easter services my church was going to be having.

HA. Joke's on me.

So I wake up in the wee hours of Friday morning to excruciating stomach pain and I start making a mental list of all the people I need to say goodbye to before I die. (I know you think I'm bring dramatic but I'm not kidding.) I was in a ridiculous amount of pain and my brain was not functioning properly at this time in the morning. Obviously.

After lying there helplessly for some time, I finally gathered up enough strength to walk to the medicine cupboard in the kitchen a grab my pain meds. I took a dose, drank a glass of water, and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't happening, so I turned on Netflix.

Sometime between taking my pain medication, watching 3 episodes of Ghost Whisperer, and pacing the living room floor, I fell asleep again. I woke up around 6 a.m. in even more pain and began crawling to the bathroom where I threw up my pain meds and the water I'd been drinking.


Friday is a blur, to be honest. The pain I was in continued to worsen by the hour and I started to run a fever. I woke up early Saturday morning, talked to my mom, and we both agreed I needed to go in as soon as possible. I horrendously attempted to shower and then my mom drove me to the medical center.

We get there and wait F.O.R.E.V.E.R. because scheduling an appointment at 10:45 obviously means you aren't getting in for at least an hour after your scheduled time slot. Anyhow, once the doctor finally saw me he was going on and on about bladder infections and how that was most likely the issue... Blah blah blah. As he's talking, I'm sorta just rolling my eyes... Like bro, you don't know me.

Way back in October, I wrote a post about learning to let go. It was a post about situations, habits, and (primarily) a person in my life whom I loved dearly, but could no longer identify with. After writing that post, things began to drastically change in my life. The relationships I made a priority began to flourish. The relationships I let go of began to work themselves out. I felt balanced... And even free in a sense. I felt lighter. For awhile, anyway.

This past week in church, I realized I no longer feel that way. I don't feel free. I don't feel balanced. In fact, lately, I feel as if I've been struggling the hardest with letting things - of any kind -  go... And because of that, it's become quite the pretentious challenge to move forward in any way at all.

So, I prayed about it.

See, while I'm the girl who wrote that post about letting go of certain individuals, I'm also the girl who wrote that post about loving unconditionally. While I'm the girl who wants to understand that letting go is part of moving forward, I'm also the girl who just can't stand to let people walk away. Personally, I think that's because even when relationships don't work out, even when friendships fade, I truly want to be someone that other people value their time with. I want them to speak kindly of me. I want them to be able to say, "she made me a better person; the time I spent with her was worth it."

Don't we all, though?

At the end of the day, the fact of the matter is that no matter what we want, there are situations, people, and reactions out of our control. There are people that we need to let go of in order to move forward.

Now, I don't believe in labeling people "toxic" because these so-called "toxic" people are rarely vengeful or inhumane. In fact, some of the most "toxic" people in our lives are the ones who love us the most. Many of them, contrary to popular belief, have good intentions. Most of these people are only considered "toxic" because their needs and way of existing in the world cause us to compromise ourselves, our values, and our happiness. They aren't imminently bad people, they just aren't the right people. We aren't for them and they aren't for us. As challenging as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without surrounding yourself with people who don't make you a better you. As much as you care, it is never worth eradicating yourself for the sake of someone else.

That might mean that you have to love a family member from a distance. It might mean that you have to break up with the person you love and respect the most. It might even mean that you need to avoid a painful situation until you're in the right state of mind to handle it properly. Whatever that might mean for us, we need to make sure to remember that our well-being is a priority and no one is going to make it that way unless we do ourselves.

When I realized this and actually started to believe it, I felt lighter again. I felt free, balanced, and a lot more like myself. The me that I want to be, anyway.

My reality is doing my weekly self-injection at 11 p.m. on a school night after a speech meet and homework, finding inspiration in advocating for autoimmune diseases any way I possibly can, and spending long days/nights in a hospital surrounded by specialists.


And, so, to my ex-boyfriend, this blog post is my response to your text message. The only person responsible for your misunderstanding is yourself. If you're looking for a solution, take responsibility for that misunderstanding instead of discounting the lasting and varied impact that struggle has. Ask questions. Be patient. Open your mind. Open your heart, for goodness sake. And stop diminishing the importance of the things you haven't experienced.

My reality may look different. It may appear a bit more demanding, pretentious, and at times, insanely complicated...but there's not a single chance that your misunderstanding gets to say my challenging reality is merely a synonym for drama.