The day that I've been anxiously awaiting for over 6 months is finally here. I was referred to a chronic pain program at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis for multiple reasons ranging from medications that don't work properly to the development of degeneration in my neck. When my parents and I filled out all the paperwork, I had not the slightest clue I'd walk through a journey with injections this past summer/fall. I had not the slightest clue that I'd actually get back to running for a little while. I had not the slightest clue that I'd come down with bronchitis the week I was supposed to start Enbrel. I was clueless when I submitted that paperwork.
I've been dealing with chronic pain for over 4 years now. One of the biggest things I began to struggle with spiritually is only being able to see the here and now. I'm able to be optimistic and speak life to others, but the fears within myself are fed with lies, worry, and doubt from the devil. Allowing that to happen leaves me halfway up a staircase not knowing what to do or where to go. Today, I'm sick of watching that happen and I'm ready to surrender it completely.
Sunday afternoon at work, I excused myself to the bathroom and just sat for a few minutes trying to catch my breath. I was having severe anxiety about my week. Monday: Injections, Wednesday: Make up exams, Thursday: Children's Appointment, Friday: College visit and Bloggy Boot Camp. I was feeling exhausted. Defeated. I started praying and clearer than day He said, "I'm a MIRACLE working God, so don't try to get ahead of Me and rob Me of the opportunity to demonstrate My power in your life." I actually laughed in that moment because it made me realize how ridiculous I am to compare my plans to His. I must always, always {be difficult and} choose the latter when I know what's good for me. Funny how that works, right?
He reassured me again just last night as I was reading Psalms for some closure. I stumbled across Psalm 139 and verse 16 popped out at me. I knew it was a clear sign from God that things are going to get much better in the coming days. That particular verse reads:
"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
Truthfully, I don't know what today holds. I don't know how I'll be feeling this weekend or into next week. I don't know anything when it comes to His deliberate and oh-so-perfect will... And today? Today I'm done trying to figure it out. All I know for sure is that His grace, not my worry, fear, or doubt - is the thing that will see me through. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
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8 comments:
So beautifully written! This post spoke right to my heart. Praying that you get good news and that he continues to give you peace! Love you girly!
I love that photo of you and you are such a brave and strong woman!
Aww, Kenz, I'm sorry you're going through this but your post is full of so much hope. God allows us to the challenges so we can grow closer and trust Him more. I keep reminding myself of that this week. I got some inspiration from this post too. He's using you in ways you may not even realize. :) Blessings to you!
I'm a firm believer that even through our ups and downs and struggles, whatever they may be, God will find a way to use them to either bless us or others. Kenzie, I can't imagine all of the struggles you must go through on a daily basis with what you are dealing with, but I do know that God is already using it for His glory. Post like these are such an inspiration to others, including myself. I hope that you continue to share your heart and His truth. You are a true blessing to your readers.
Beautiful post and a wonderful attitude. My heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you!
This post makes me happy and sad at the same time. Sad because I hate that you are dealing with these health issues, happy because you have found joy and strength in the Lord! Praying for you as you go through this time!
Eloquently and beautifully written. xoxo
What a great attitude and faith. Thanks so much for sharing! I hope you have a fabulous weekend! :)