About two weeks ago, I waltzed into a clinic and sat down with a new doctor to a few things regarding my arthritis and our plan for treatment in the future. One of them being the dreaded injections for pain and swelling that have been talked about for awhile now...
I didn't really address is anywhere but {vaguely} on Twitter because it was an appointment that made me super anxious and nervous. I'll be honest, I thought if I didn't talk about it, maybe it would just go away! Out of sight, out of mind was kinda what I was going for there. ;)
I'm crazy grateful that this special genuinely cares about how I'm feeling. I understand that the goal is to hopefully limit the days that I feel/look like this...
...but guess what? I'm still defiant about this battle. I don't want to fight it. I don't want to receive 3-6 injections each week for 6 weeks. I don't want to be on the verge of tears every day. I don't want to come out of another season hanging on by a thread.
I want to be a teenager. I want to be irresponsible for once. I want to laugh without worrying about tomorrow. If we're being honest? I'd like the easy way out.
Let me rephrase that... What I mean is I DID until I started volunteering at Vacation Bible School this week. Last night, the lesson was about a man named Jairus. {Mark 5:21-43} His daugther was extremely ill and on the verge of death. Jairus did just as any desperate man would do and tried everything to make her well with no success. Eventually, he went to find Jesus because he knew a miracle of sorts could only be performed by Him. By the time he located Jesus, his daughter had died. He wept at Jesus' feet and apologized for bothering him with what was now a seemingly helpless situation. At that, Jesus said to him... {Mark 5:36} "Do not be afraid; just believe," and continued on to Jairus' home. When He got there, he touched the the limp hand of Jairus' precious daughter and commanded her to get up. Just like that, she did so. She had been raised from the dead, given new life, and she used that life to bring so much joy to those around her. She allowed Jesus to perform a miracle through her.
By the time the story was over, I found myself teary eyed and I felt as if though someone had smacked me clear across the face...
"Do not be afraid, just believe." {Mark 5:36}
How many times in the day do forget that I am not alone? Why do I constantly say to myself, "I've got this, I need no help."? How often to I turn down God when He's asking to and is fully capable of performing a miracle through me?
It certainly struck a chord or two within me and forced me to realize that the God we serve always has and always will posses these healing capabilities. He may not be physically bringing my limp body back to life, but He is 100% willing to bring my spirit back to life. He's capable of giving me an unearthly resilience and persistence that I can be found no where else.
So, maybe I'm not the "lucky one." Maybe people think I've been dealt a crappy hand of cards. Maybe I feel that way. Maybe I'm not always successful because I'm swollen, red, or hurting. Maybe this disease has changed me in more ways than I'd like to admit.
In that case, I'm crazy thankful that I serve a Savior who doesn't love me based on any of those factors but simply does because I am His own. I'm also thankful that He's given me the persistence to continue fighting and bring glory to His name in the process. THAT'S what success means to me.
4 comments:
You help me to fight each day. Having illnesses like ours isn't easy, by any means, but seeing the grace you fight it with helps me! Praying for you sweet girl!
You're so strong! Thank you for sharing.
Being strong is the way to be girl. and prayer and God help as well.
pinkowl07.blogspot.com
I know I don't say this nearly enough... but you inspire me. Daily. Your photos on Instagram, your blog posts, your FB statuses. I don't think I have ever seen one or read one and didn't smile.
You are beautiful. Your smile is absolutely gorgeous. You are such an inspiration. Your perseverance and strength, although it may not feel like it, is so evident and obvious to us that just get a glance. You know?
And posts like these, even still.. through your vulnerability and the exposing of your sweet, gentle heart... I just want to hug you!! I absolutely adore you, darlin! You are so brave and such a light!!
Lifting you in prayer, Kenz. (((hugs)))